I HAVE MET THE ENEMY

For eons, I have been afraid of spiders, deathly afraid. So much so, I have developed a type of "spider-sense" which allows me to "feel" when I am in the vicinity of say a house, wolf or recluse spider. I know when those bastards are lurking, ready to jump onto my face and drink from my eyes.

For years, we have lived with a shaky peace, they stay in their dank, dark corners and I stay everywhere else, it's been good. Well now, the Kingdom of the Spiders have upped the ante and like the next generation of terminators, they have unleashed a new terror to deal with!

This is the Assassin Spider. It lives in Southern Africa and – surprise! – Australia.

You know what? All of the horrifying animals native to this country sure go a long way toward explaining their national motto: “Australia: Even though nature vomited monsters all over this barren isle of Lovecraftian horror, we fucking live here anyway, because we just don’t give a shit.”

But I digress. While the Assassin Spider may look a little sinister in that picture up there - as though it is plotting some sort of nefarious scheme to finally do away with that pesky Superman - that’s not why it made the list. This is:

See, the Assassin Spider is named for the uniquely long neck that separates its head from its thorax which, in conjunction with its proportionally gigantic venom-coated fangs - up to ten times the size of a normal spider - allow it to strike like a snake does: It snaps its elongated neck out and uses those forward-thrust mandibles to spear potential prey.

So hey, fucking check that shit out!

It’s a spider with a spring-loaded giraffe neck, which it uses to hurl its unearthly face (topped with disproportionately large venomous fangs) out at you like a grappling hook made out of my childhood nightmares!

Awesome.

Yes, that is fantastic news that something like this abomination exists. I love not sleeping for the rest of my life. I’m so glad I have an excuse to do that now. Michelle is not afraid of spiders but I bet she would break into a cold sweat if she saw this devil coming at us. Me? I'd probably slip into a brain-dead coma right then and there.

Welcome to the world Assassin Spider, I hate to meet you.